Over and over again
by Yui Miyamoto
Summary: The Sakurazukamori has a dream, but it permeates into reality and back.


**fandom – X  
title – Over and over again.  
pairing – Seishirou + Subaru  
rating - pg  
description – The Sakurazukamori has a dream, but it permeates into reality and back****.**

**Disclaimer: TB and X aren****'****t mine.  
**

Even though she knew what I was here for, she still smiled at me. Reaching out her bloodied hand, she rubbed my cheek with her thumb. As she was dying, she was seeing something beyond me.

Next to her, invisibly, I am dying somewhere else...

**Over and over again.  
By miyamoto yui**

I am swimming deep in the ocean.

It is so clear with its blue and green that I wonder why it is so hard to breathe. This crystal-like ephemeral sea is like sand instead of water flowing through my fingers.  
I grab onto my throat in alarm. I'm too far away from the waving picture of light above me. The red moon cries its bloody tears into the ocean, staining its perfection. My eyes blink in aspiration but close in misery as I find myself drowning in my own home. Wherever that is.  
My fins feel so heavy, heavy as the rocks that tear my scales away in my descent into an abyss. Red, green, white, and amber corals pull and prick into my skin. I continue to grab my throat with my right hand while reaching desperately towards the surface, my fingers grabbing at nothing.

I notice that my hand looks very thin. It's so delicate that it looks like it's going to break. Why am I wasting away? Why am I letting myself starve for something between hope and desperation?

I look around to find leaves of reefs waving their fingers at me, but there's nothing else. There is no one here but me. I should be used to this, shouldn't I?

It is semi-dark, half in the light and half in the darkness. The murkiness enraptures me, half making me scared, half comforting me. I am resolved to my fate. Am I so weak as to not protest?

The red moon becomes smaller and smaller, like a slow-motion sequence in a movie. It looks pink, as pink as her lips when they opened to speak to me with her bell-like voice.

There is nothing but silence. I cannot hear anything. I cannot sing. I cannot scream. I cannot shout.

But an image of your face appears before me. You smile at me as you did once before. Your eyes are twinkling, but your face is as mysterious as the sky that I looked up a million times when I wished for something good to happen. The one where I felt like I was the luckiest person in the world.

Even as I die now, you are the one I am thinking about. That same smile is creeping itself into me enwrapped with its irony.

Even if you are never meant to be mine, You are the one whose presence I feel in whatever I do.

As I look at the red moon moving away from me, it is like all the times that I glanced back, hoping you would be there behind me, guiding me to wherever I needed to go. Your face is staring at me. A smirk to hide the pain. The mask asking to be smashed with my very own hands. You were laughing, begging me to understand.

I can tell you that you looked so young and old at the same time. Your handsome, chiseled face trying so hard to hold everything back. But at the very next moment, I see that you are getting older. Like you cannot stand something anymore and trying to break free.

I blink, and you are "yourself" again, but I watch the puddle before you from the storm before. You are confusing me. You're frowning, but looking away. When I look up, you are smiling. And this is the smile you gave me when we walked through the park, the maple leaves falling with the wind. They were brown and golden, just like your eyes. They fell continuously, just like my tears that turn into pearls.

My throat cringes up and I cough up blood. My body is slowly, but surely falling deeper and deeper into this darkness we have created with our love. Paid with stars, wishes, sakura, and sacrificial blood.

I'm sorry. I was so enraptured with my own concerns that I failed to see the person who needed me the most.

My scales float everywhere, but they all want to return to the surface. They want to be touched by the rays of the moon of blood.

I no longer hold my throat. I lean my head forward. My face winces slightly as the crevice I'm falling into becomes sharper than shinken and narrower than the blood vessels that stop when you thrust your white hand into your victims. In my tiredness, I don't know if my eyes are closing or if the darkness is embracing me.

But, in my weakness, I glance back. You are swimming with your two human feet. The tie is undone, the slacks riding up and down, the untucked white shirt is flowing while you are finally crushing the glasses in your hands. Pieces of broken glass are floating away from both of us.

I still run away from you. I shake my head and dive faster, but I feel you coming faster and faster to get me back to the surface.

Why do I have to live in order for you to kill me all over again?

Until now, you were the only one. You are the only one who bothered to run after me, catch me when I fell, watch me grow up, and stay to understand me when I didn't want to understand or save myself.

As I feel your firm grip on my wrist, your heavy wings of feathered black fall past me.  
Only now do I realize why I have continued to love you all these years. You know I am slow and yet…

Then as you briefly pull me into an embrace me, you trick me once again. You close your eyes, about to kiss me. When you rotate our bodies, you open your eyes again. As our lips are about to touch, you push me away.

Pushing me towards the surface again. And you are falling faster into the darkness that was meant for me.

Despite the excruciating pain, a sound comes out. I cannot recognize my voice, but I am calling out your name. And even though the ocean is polluted with your blood and flesh, more blood is coughed up from my throat.

The crowding of pearls block my vision of your fall.

I'm sorry for being so stupid.

You leave me all over again…  
…in order to save me.

**+/+/+/+/+/**

I gasp for air as I abruptly sit up in my bed. Tears fall down out continuously. I don't know if it is because it is out of loneliness or aching for you, becoming more violent as the time goes by so slowly, suspended. I want to ask why it must be like this, but it is useless, bearing little fruit in the tree of hopes and wishes.

In the middle of the night, I visit the tree where I met you more than ten years ago. I touch the trunk gently and look up to the branches above me.

You mixed me up, but why can I see this distorted world so clearly _because_ of you?

I glance behind me. And I see your shadow, or so I imagine.

But you are no longer here.

A black feather brushes against my shoulder. And I fall to my knees from its weight. When no one is looking, I can crumble all I want. But I cannot escape. Even when I close my eyes…

…your sad smile reappears before me, resounding in the lowest whisper, "I need you to save me too, Subaru-kun."

"I'm so sorry.

If only I noticed…  
If only I had noticed…"

I whisper to myself in between the sobs and my tears feeding his tree.

I kept on thinking that you didn't need my help. Because you kept on taking care of me, I didn't think you needed or wanted anything from me. I thought you didn't need me at all. Now, I'm too late.

And your face keeps on reappearing every time I kill someone through your name.

I am killing you over and over again…

**Owari. / The End.**

**Author****'****s note: ** I made this because there was no other way to let go of the emotions I am feeling at this very moment.

Hope you are enjoying my strangeness

Thank you, Rei-chan again for beta-ing this!

**June 6, 2004**


End file.
